I feel like pinning ‘missing’ posters up around my town.
They would read as follows: Have you seen my mojo? Dresses in rainbows and sequins and fond of skipping. Missing for several months, if found please contact Libby Page.
Confidence feels like an awkward thing to talk about, perhaps especially when you’re a British woman used to hearing ‘over-confident’ used as an insult.
We’re brought up to be humble and downplay our achievements which also makes it hard to admit when you’ve lost your groove. Because it implies that you had a groove in the first place.
It can also feel like you’re fishing for compliments (JUST TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM) when really, anyone who has ever struggled with self-confidence will know that while lovely, reassurance from others isn’t really as important as finding a way to build up your own inner voice that shouts ‘you’ve got this,’ regardless of what anyone else says.
Sometimes it’s easy to pinpoint where a knock to your confidence comes from. A career setback or outright failure, a toxic relationship or a life change. Other times it’s a messy combination of things that’s harder to untangle.
I’m sure that becoming a parent has been part of it for me. Even though I’ve been back to writing for about eight months now, I’m still finding it hard to find my feet after a ‘break’ (haha) for maternity leave and now that my life has changed so drastically. Getting back to the same job you did before when you feel in ways like a completely different person can feel disorientating.
My loss of confidence manifests in doubting every decision I make, everything from small things like what to wear (a pile of abandoned outfits left in a pile by the mirror each morning) to bigger things like how I’m parenting my son and the choices I’m making when writing my current novel.
Both as a parent and a writer you have to make endless decisions and trust that you’re making good ones but without a rule book to reassure you that yes, you are getting it right.
You don’t get parenting gold stars when you do well, and when you’re self-employed like I am there’s no boss to pat you on the back. You have to do all the back-patting yourself, which is why it’s so hard when your confidence is low; it’s so easy to put yourself down rather than finding ways to lift yourself up like you really need.
I’m particularly finding that loss of confidence materialising in my book writing. I adore my job but it’s a weird, lonely business sometimes. It typically takes me a year to write the first draft of a novel and during that time I don’t show it to anyone. For a year I have to make every decision myself, working out how best to shape the words into the story I want to tell without the comfort of any real reassurance.
I often end up tying my brain in knots, wondering whether I should change x or y about the story and wanting someone to tell me what to do but knowing that ultimately, I’m the only one who can make that decision. Sometimes I become so paranoid that what I’m doing is terrible that I feel very close to just deleting the whole thing.
There are definitely things that can help to lift me, though, when I’m feeling low in confidence. Spending time with friends (the very best of cheerleaders), challenging myself to try new things (and feeling the satisfaction of learning something new), doing anything that gets me moving my body and out of my head (swimming, running, yoga).
Setting small targets can help. Sometimes if I’m feeling particularly wobbly I write a to-do-list including plenty of things I’ve already done just for the satisfaction and confidence boost of ticking them off.
A friend also introduced me to the idea of a ‘brag folder’ – a place maybe on your phone or computer where you save praise - for me this might mean screenshots of particularly lovely reader reviews or messages - and can go back to when you’re feeling particularly low.
It can feel cringe-worthy to wallow in praise but I think we all need reminders sometimes of the nicest things people have said about us when our inner voices are telling us the worst.
I’m hoping that my mojo will reappear alive and well sometime soon. In the meantime I’m trying to be kind to myself. I might not be able to muster my own personal fanfare but at the very least I can be gentle. Run myself a bath, hang out with my friends and hope that my confidence will find its way back.
Have you lost your mojo too? What do you do to give yourself a boost when you’re feeling low in confidence?
Some book news
It’s been a while since I shared an update about book things! As you might have guessed from this post, writing of Book 5 is proving tricky BUT I am at least getting words down. I think of the first draft like wrestling the story onto the page and then the taming of it happens during the editing process.
This week I have been proofreading my next book, The Vintage Shop of Second Chances. It’s out in February but available to pre-order now. And I should soon have some lovely shiny proof copies to send out to early reviewers. Nerve-wracking, but exciting too.
Meanwhile, the Kindle versions of The Island Home and The Lido are currently on sale for £2.99. If you haven’t read them yet, The Island Home is a story about family, island life and coming home that author Cathy Bramley described as ‘bursting with hope and heart’ and The Lido is a story of unlikely female friendship that Stylist called ‘a standout hymn to female friendship’ (yes, these are in my brag folder!!).
Oh Mojo, Where Art Thou?
I can totally relate, for me it was losing my creative confidence and the ability to write creatively after doing a very stifling public sector job for a few years. I was terrified that I’d lost the ability completely and found it really hard to rediscover the love and passion to do it. But after dipping my toe in the creative waters via journaling purely, I was able to find the love again! This then enabled me to gain back the confidence to put myself and my words out there again!
I have a brag folder too - though the idea was introduced to me as a 'warm and fuzzies' folder..... so that's what it's labelled as in my inbox now! I agree it sometimes feels cringe to seek it out, wallowing in past glories, but it really works on low-confidence days. x