Am I a bad friend?
Or just bad at WhatsApp?
Friendship is a big theme in all of my books. In The Lido, the unlikely friendship between an octogenarian and a woman in her twenties pulls them out of their loneliness. The 24-Hour Café tells the story of two best friends who have reached a crossroads in their life. Friendship is key in The Island Home, with the women on a tiny island finding a sense of belonging through their friends. In The Vintage Shop of Second Chances, the friendship between three very different women helps each of them find a new start in life. And it’s a massive part of the next novel I’m currently working on too.
The reason I love to write about friendship is because I love my friends. From school friends to work friends to those friends who come into your life through wonderful chance, they all have a special place in my life.
And yet recently I have started to worry….
Am I a bad friend? Or just bad at WhatsApp?
I want to be a good friend. I adore my friends and could list a dozen reasons why each of my friends is the absolute best. But recently I’ve been finding it hard to stay in touch, especially on WhatsApp. Given that WhatsApp is how I predominantly communicate with my friends, being bad at WhatsApp feels like being bad at friendship.
On my phone right now, I can see the guilt-inducing green of a whole stream of unopened WhatsApp messages. I decided to sit down and count.
Group chats on mute because I find keeping up with the messages too overwhelming: 3
Group chats I have left for the same reason: 1
Messages from friends that I have opened and read but haven’t replied to yet: 9
Voice notes I haven’t even listened to yet because I haven’t managed to find an appropriate quiet moment when I’m free from toddler/distractions: 2
Messages where the last reply I sent was just an emoji instead of a proper reply: 6
These numbers make me feel physically queasy. They make me feel ashamed. How can someone who believes so passionately in the power of friendship, and the absolute greatness of her own friends, end up being so flaky?
When I don’t reply to a WhatsApp message it is never because I don’t care about the person who sent it, although I worry it might seem that way. Here are some of the real reasons why I might not reply:
I saw the message while I was about to head into a meeting or when my toddler was throwing a tantrum on the supermarket floor so I couldn’t reply at that exact moment and later forgot.
I saw it at the end of a long day when I was feeling too burnt out to compose a sentence.
The message required a thoughtful reply so I decided to shelve it until I had the time and headspace to compose a considered response. I never found that time or headspace. Â
I was in bed with a cold.
When I received the message, I was feeling sad or lost and trying to find answers to the questions about how I was doing felt overwhelming. Â
I find it especially hard to stay on top of WhatsApp messages if I’m finding things tricky or stressful in my life. I’m not the kind of person to say, ‘I’m fine’ when I’m not. So not replying feels like the easiest option when you’re going through stuff that isn’t so easy to condense into a short message.
The longer you don’t reply, the more difficult it can feel to jump back in. The unread messages stack up and you lose the thread of the conversation. Replying becomes another thing added to an already long to-do list - the admin of friendship blending with the admin of everyday life and becoming another thing to feel guilty for not having got around to yet. However much you love your friends. However much you want to be in touch and love hearing what they’re up to.
I don’t quite know what the answer is. Go old-fashioned and give my friends a call instead? Ideally, I’d love more in-person time like I was lucky to get at the weekend with two of my oldest friends. Those moments when we’re actually together are when it feels as though the friendship has been properly topped up, the messy plant that is our relationship given a big long drink that makes it lush and healthy again.
But obviously, life is busy and there isn’t often time for that. Especially now that I’m juggling a hectic working life with looking after a toddler. So in the meantime, there is WhatsApp. Where sending a message in theory seems so easy and yet in reality can feel much harder.
(If you’re waiting for a reply from me: I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll reply soon.)
How do you feel about keeping in touch with friends on WhatsApp?
Book updates
I’m busy working on edits to Book 5. It’s tricky but I’m excited about this book. I will be announcing more about it very soon - keep your eyes peeled!
A reminder of some upcoming book events:
13th May, 12:30 pm, Walcot House, Bath as part of The Bath Festival, in conversation with Lauren Bravo.
8th June, 7 pm, Sturminster Newton, as part of the Sturminster Newton Literary Festival.
This echoes me so much I almost believed I’d written it myself. I can’t deal with WhatsApp friendships, but modern life seems to offer little else. After a day spent staring at a screen and sending email, I don’t want to sit at home staring at a smaller screen sending messages (ironically what I’m doing right now!) I’d much rather see my friends in real life and hug them, but busy-ness gets in the way. Messaging platforms and social media seem to offer a convenient solution, but conversely make it far too easy not to bother speaking to our friends or making the time to see them in person!
Friendship shouldn’t be stressful. Myself and two very close friends all went to uni at the age of 42 . We didn’t hook again for 10 years ! We had our heads down studying and getting our new careers off the ground! Me nursing , Aud teaching and Gale a psychotherapist. When we did it was like we’d never been apart . Don’t let it stress you out. They know what’s in your heart Libby Xx